Massachusetts, here I am.

It's beautiful here in the summer. The whole state is like a vacation site. I've been to Cape Cod finally. I've seen hills and dales that look like pastoral European scenes. 

Running to Stand Still

It appears as though I am having difficulty staying put anywhere. Here I have landed in Philadelphia by way of a small detour in New England. It was lovely there, one of the most beautiful places I have seen. But it is not for me. I'm not sure what is for me, but I imagine it will garner me an obscene amount of frequent flyer miles.

So the scene is set on a new city, but the players are the same. Everyone has shuffled to new cities and proximities have changed, and so have the nature of our relationships. But we are thankfully still here. And I welcome the new players. Similar themes run through my life like armature and people tend to fall along those lines in my life. I enjoy it so because the themes are built on things I love, inspired by people I love. Life gets richer all the time. And everyone is starting to look the same to me.

Philadelphia is very strange. To me, it is a weird combination of cities: part Milwaukee, part Chicago, part New York and yet all its own thing. I am finding my way around and trying to fit in. At this point in life I feel like I should have a greater grasp on my whereabouts, so occasionally I bump up against some frustration not knowing where to get something or how to give directions. But I am getting very good at finding the immediate things I need. Good coffee (Italian), a spot for wine, brunch, used music, a place to see a show. I'd like to add a spa or a sauna to that list going forward. I plan to travel much more in the future. Because it is always better when you are moving. 

Bread, Take Two

How am I going to do this? How am I not going to do this?
Determination. And commitment. The first one is easy, the second one, well let's just say that I'm extremely loyal... to many things, intermittently in practice but eternally in theory. The biggest question that I have for myself is "can I see this one through?". I haven't subscribed to a magazine yet, but I have several books and several more I want to get. I spend hours pouring over The Fresh Loaf and pondering percentages, ratios, gluten strands and lamination, fermentation, temperatures and mineral content. If given the chance, I would consume all of my time with these thoughts.
You would not recall, because I haven't written but one post this year, but there was a time around this time last year when I was unemployed and all I did was bake bread. I was busier than I have ever been setting my whole life around the hours it would take to start my starter, build my levain, ferment my dough and prove my loaves. My best friends were a vintage Kitchenaid mixer and a metric scale. I started to get frantic about needing a proofing box, but I learned that you can have patience and that works a little better. If you have even more patience you can use your fridge. Imagine that.
And there are blogs out there. People write about this stuff. Most of them have day jobs and manage to play with bread in their free time. Me? I don't think I could just do it in my free time. This is not the kind of person I am. I think I'd like to use my free time to make drawings. Wait, no, I think that all of my time is free time if I am making bread and art. I just need to grow some plants and have standing plans for brunch with the ladies.
I miss my friends because my job has eaten my life. Would it not be better if my life was to eat my job? Imagine THAT.
I have gone on greater journeys than this one. Journeys that have led me to entire new countries from which I was not sure if I would return. I have had to change my lifestyle and pare my belongings down to nothing in order to accomplish these goals. I have done it. So I may do it again. I'm going to have to, because I haven't found a way to make bread profitable yet. It is going to require a lifestyle change and a reduction of expenses in order to begin this one. I have done it for others. I can do it for myself too. There is a yard sale in my future.
Am I serious? I've proven that I can do anything I set my mind to. So is my mind set?

Alone with Bread

The weather has turned and now the streets are filled with the noise of dogs and children and sirens. Somehow it is almost colder at night because the heat has made things damp, even though the thermostat says 58. I make bread now. All the time. Pretty much every day of my life. I started making it in earnest in Mexico even though I have had a passion for it since the house on Dousman St. in Riverwest. I was reading the Tassajara Bread Book and learning to knead and make whole wheat then. In Mexico I attempted to make European breads because Mexican pan was so ephemeral and lacked substance. Now I play with rye starters and hydration percentages trying to get the right crumb and a good crust. I had the great fortune of finding a mentor willing to give me a job baking bread all day. It kicks my ass on a regular basis, trying to haul myself into the world of fast paced gourmet production kitchen land. My arms and fingers and legs and back hurt all the time, but I am getting stronger and faster. My goal is speed now and consistency. But I come home to experiment with flavor and texture and methods. Overall I am very happy. Now I am learning to put my life back in around the bread. Trying to figure out how to keep in touch with my friends and family and keep loving my lover... how to enjoy myself and the other things I like to do. I crave sameness these days. I have done so much changing and the changes are still so new that I could lose them at any moment. I pray when I remember to, and I try to be kind and thoughtful, but I sometimes open my mouth when I shouldn't.

I hope to see my new niece soon and to get a good night's sleep.

Here's A Thought

The downfall of being told you are able to be anything you want to be is the fact that you cannot be someone who you are not. I am learning acceptance the hard way in a world where freedom and opportunity have been pried open by feminists and activists before me. Where the future was full of so much possibility, but not a lot of proven track records. I have only what I have been given, and what I have made with that. May we all strive to understand each other on those terms before anything gets ugly. Dontcha.

Two Cities

If it is indeed better when you are moving, and I am always asking myself if it is, then constantly moving back and forth between two cities should be great. And it is, mostly. There are good things and bad things. Good, like getting to shop in Chicago and then relax at home in Milwaukee. Or good, like working my tuckus off all week and then enjoying time with the main squeeze on the weekend. But it is bad, like not being able to stock a fridge anywhere properly. Bad, like Sunday evening traffic and lots of time in the car or on the train. I should be really good at packing by now though. Or really good at buying two of everything... but I haven't aced either of those yet.
When in Chicago I miss Milwaukee all week. When in Milwaukee, I miss the opportunities to actually enjoy Chicago. The first time I lived there I worked so much that I never felt at home. The same thing is happening now. I work there. I home in Milwaukee. Eh. It is what it is.
Time to put things in the car and drive back to the Second City.

Do Over

By now you've all probably stopped reading. I stopped posting, so I wouldn't be surprised. I have to tell you that I moved back to Chicago this week. On Monday. I live here during the week and I work at the place that I stopped working at when I decided I needed to see the world. They called me and asked me to come back. They asked very nicely and I thought, since I'm in the habit of giving people second chances, "why not"?

The thing is, I'm pretty sure I just re-lived my 20's in the space of 15 months (most of the action happening in the last three). I left home, traveled the world, came back home, waited tables, got a career-type job and moved to Chicago. Somewhere in there I rediscovered a love I thought I'd lost. Same love that loved me when I got the same job and left Milwaukee the first time. Now, I'm thinking to myself, usually when people get a chance to start over, they usually do something completely different. Not exactly the same thing they did the first time. There is also this concept that the definition of being crazy is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. Smoke on your pipe and put that in. So here's the thing: I expect that I will gain satisfaction from my job, that my love will love me and not leave me, and that somehow I'm still going to be able to design furniture. I'm pretty confident that all of these things are not only possible, but are actually going to happen. No seriously, it's weird. I feel good.

 Of course, there is also the idea of the "Do Over". When you are playing the game with all of your heart but you just do it wrong, try to fix it, do it wrong again, your pals are getting annoyed and then somebody yells "DO OVER!". Nobody's mad (except the one guy who really got it right this time) because everyone involved recognizes that the game just can't be recovered from there and mostly everyone would've liked to do a little better. There's laughter and the game resets and you start over. One more time, from the top. This time with feeling. Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch... again. And that connects with... walk, walk, walk.

So have I just gotten a full life do-over? Ha HA. That's pretty funny. But it's cool. I'm game. I'll check it out and see what I can do better this time. I'm not doing anything else. But that is what I always say. So maybe this time I AM doing THIS. Eh? Maybe that's the difference. Maybe this time I can make a commitment and commitments can be made to me. This time I will take the time to get it right. Now I will understand that others are trying to do right by me and I will give them the time to do that. Perhaps I will stop running away. I was so relieved to be able to run. I've been wanting to do that since February 9th, 1998. Everyone told me "Don't run. Stay here and deal with this." But I was running all the time anyway even if I didn't go anywhere.

I think I got it out of my system. I think I am ready to be good and work hard and try hard and dedicate myself to things. I am looking at larger goals than just where I can get to quickly (as long as it is not here, dontcha). How's that for a first round of world travel processing?

God, I hope I get it.