Home Again

Home is where, again?

I am sitting here at the table with the requisite three beverages, my notebook, the new novels in Spanish that I purchased from El Pendulo, a handful of pens and my computer. I can hear the noises of traffic outside the windows. It is not too cold right now. There are a variety of fruits and vegetables on the kitchen counter that probably won't all get used before they go bad. The cupboards are full of cans of things and bags of others. Some pork chops sit in the fridge waiting for me; I know Agt.3L will not know what to do with them. We haven't sat on the couch in ages, probably because it is covered with my random clutter of souvenirs and books and maps, or maybe because we never watch TV and there are no lamps for reading books. My clothes hang quietly in the closet and my shoes are piled in heaps beneath. My shelves are stuffed with assorted beauty items, coins, papers and folded (or not quite folded) clothes. This has become my home. I know this place. It is dependable. I don't know when I am going to have a home again.

There is nothing but gray in my life right now. It is one big gray area. There are some bright points of light but an absence of drive and passion. Not very long ago, I knew exactly what I wanted. It was so clear and true and right... right up until it was wrong. I didn't need to know how or when, I just knew what, and that everything would be just fine. But that feeling is not here anymore. I can't figure out where it went or where any feelings went. I feel a bit like I am watching myself struggle and that I should really jump in and help, but I'm not sure where to start. Agt. 3L always says you should put intention into it. I need to put my intention into something, but me? Why me? Haven't I tried hard enough on me already? And at the same time, haven't I avoided me long enough?

Should I relax and concentrate on one thing at a time or should I get that long term what-I'm-going-to-do-with-the-rest-of-my-life thing ironed out? When I am cooking, I panic that I am not learning Spanish. When I am studying Spanish, I panic that I am not writing my essays for grad school applications. When I am researching schools, I panic that I have not been in touch with my friends and family. When I spend my time on the email, I get sucked into Facebook and blogs and shopping and then panic that I need to be cooking for Agt.3L. Repeat. Right now I am trying to read these novels, write in my journal, gchat and blog at the same time and now I am panicking that the house will not be clean in time for me to pack my bags.

They say, home is where the heart is. Has anyone seen it? My heart? I know I had it around here somewhere... I think I feel it breaking again but I can't seem to get my hands on it.

Thoughts on India

My time here is winding down. I can't believe how fast it has gone by. The strangeness and difficulty of it all is thought provoking as well. Of course, now that I am facing the task of making new plans, everything here seems to be just fine. Living here is not so bad, I could find a job, look for apartments in the city, make it work. But then I remember that there are other things I want to accomplish. There is the larger plan: India, school, reinvention.

I will be in touch with the LIFT group when I am in Chicago this coming week. Hopefully we will work out the details of my travel and I can book my flights. It is very exciting. My friends asked me yesterday what I would be doing in India and what it means for me and I had an opportunity to revisit my reasons and motives. I have not thought about it in a while so it was good to talk over my ideas. I am happy to re-connect with something larger than myself as well. My time in Mexico has been all about me and my future goals in career and relationship and while some progress has been made on understanding my path, much has been murky and unsure. Perhaps that is a result of too much inward thinking and not enough outward structure. I think that in my life right now, it will take two major extremes to make a balance. I am totally macro right now.

On the micro level, I am still working on streamlining. Earlier this year I made a plan to reduce my personal belongings to a few portable items. A computer, a portable music device, a bicycle, a camera, a notebook, a pen and I suppose one good traveling bag and some decent boots. Everything else could be temporary. I find that I keep collecting items for the kitchen, though. Not sure what to do about that.

Here are some photos from the last week

 

 

 

 

 

Tired, but no sleep for those who drink Dr. Pepper at 6pm

I am currently keeping Agt.3L awake by computing in bed at 11:34pm. Truly that is not so late, but man am I tired and wired. I just said bon voyage to my visiting pals this morning, and then spent all day in the artisans' market doing my Christmas shopping. After that I found some great deals on stuff for the kitchen down in Centro. That place is wild! I love it! The whole of downtown is basically a giant department store with each street representing a different department. It is unreal. I wish all of you could see this. I got a cookie sheet for 25 pesos so I don't have to bake bread on tinfoil anymore. Woot.

I had a bout of homesickness last night. I didn't want my friends to leave and I wanted some missing parts of my life back. I missed my cats. I can't wait to see everyone next week in Chicago. I am making some more strides toward India as well. More on that soon.

Ok, ok, one false move on the keyboard and a terrible beep has roused the sleeping beast. He's not going to be happy with me tomorrow... Nighty nite.

Acapulco and the week to come

It was warm and wonderful in Acapulco. Now, I have only the space heater to keep me warm...
This week will be full of visitors and birthdays. I am looking forward to it.

Shameless Christmas List

Ok so there are a few things that I really would love to have for Christmas.
Maybe not this one, but someday when I have a job again and I can afford to buy myself some nifty gadgets.

A Kindle from Amazon
A Nook from B&N
This fountain penAnd a small gold medallion for my chain

Thanks for listening.

Anticipating Acapulco

I am staring down a mountain of housework, laundry, dishes, clutter that must be cleaned before we go to Acapulco tonight. We have planned a delicate lunchtime maneuver to pick up the rental car which will take two hours in lunchtime traffic. This means eating lunch in the car. Whee. Time in the car here is totally quality. It is bonding, but hard to converse due to the extreme concentration required of the driver. One false move and you're smooshed between two giant tour buses. After Agt.3L gets done at the office we will hop in the car and head SouthWest and seaward. This means we will also have dinner in the car. Sigh... I am so excited to go to the beach. It has been so long since I saw the ocean. I love how humbling a giant expanse of nature can be. The ocean is big enough to take it all in. Ha ha! Now I know why people get Lake Fever in front of Lake Michigan. Feels so good to let it all go in front of an unfathomable horizon. Also, Agt. 3L tells me there are waiters on the beach who will go fetch just about anything you desire while you bask in the sun. Imagine that.

So naturally, this is the perfect time to write and post pictures! Here is a random selection from the past few weeks.

No más Español

Yesterday I had the pleasure of constructing an ofrenda for Jose Guadalupe Posada in the commons area of the continuing education building at Ibero. It included all of the usual bits and pieces from pulque to calaveras de azucar and papel picado and petalos de cempazuchil. It was interesting to put it all together, and I am very much enjoying learning about Mexcian culture... however, I haven't learned any Spanish in the past month.

Yesterday I also had the pleasure of attending a luncheon hosted by the university for international ambassadors to Mexico. There were about 20 countries represented and the food was phenomenal. I struggled to hold inteligible conversation with my tablemates, but knew the least Spanish of all of them and therefore couldn't say much... until my third glass of wine and then it seemed easy, except that it wasn't. Spanish immersion in Mexico, you'll be speaking in no time... and three months later, 2 hours a day every weekday, and I still am not speaking even the littlest bit.

So today I decided that that was the best way to end the class. I appreciated the Mexican culture lessons, but I really want to speak the language. So now I am attempting to study on my own in the mornings instead of going to a class that is not structured the way I would like. Besides, I do not have much more time to get grad school applications together. In fact, almost none at all.