Alone with Bread

The weather has turned and now the streets are filled with the noise of dogs and children and sirens. Somehow it is almost colder at night because the heat has made things damp, even though the thermostat says 58. I make bread now. All the time. Pretty much every day of my life. I started making it in earnest in Mexico even though I have had a passion for it since the house on Dousman St. in Riverwest. I was reading the Tassajara Bread Book and learning to knead and make whole wheat then. In Mexico I attempted to make European breads because Mexican pan was so ephemeral and lacked substance. Now I play with rye starters and hydration percentages trying to get the right crumb and a good crust. I had the great fortune of finding a mentor willing to give me a job baking bread all day. It kicks my ass on a regular basis, trying to haul myself into the world of fast paced gourmet production kitchen land. My arms and fingers and legs and back hurt all the time, but I am getting stronger and faster. My goal is speed now and consistency. But I come home to experiment with flavor and texture and methods. Overall I am very happy. Now I am learning to put my life back in around the bread. Trying to figure out how to keep in touch with my friends and family and keep loving my lover... how to enjoy myself and the other things I like to do. I crave sameness these days. I have done so much changing and the changes are still so new that I could lose them at any moment. I pray when I remember to, and I try to be kind and thoughtful, but I sometimes open my mouth when I shouldn't.

I hope to see my new niece soon and to get a good night's sleep.

Here's A Thought

The downfall of being told you are able to be anything you want to be is the fact that you cannot be someone who you are not. I am learning acceptance the hard way in a world where freedom and opportunity have been pried open by feminists and activists before me. Where the future was full of so much possibility, but not a lot of proven track records. I have only what I have been given, and what I have made with that. May we all strive to understand each other on those terms before anything gets ugly. Dontcha.

Two Cities

If it is indeed better when you are moving, and I am always asking myself if it is, then constantly moving back and forth between two cities should be great. And it is, mostly. There are good things and bad things. Good, like getting to shop in Chicago and then relax at home in Milwaukee. Or good, like working my tuckus off all week and then enjoying time with the main squeeze on the weekend. But it is bad, like not being able to stock a fridge anywhere properly. Bad, like Sunday evening traffic and lots of time in the car or on the train. I should be really good at packing by now though. Or really good at buying two of everything... but I haven't aced either of those yet.
When in Chicago I miss Milwaukee all week. When in Milwaukee, I miss the opportunities to actually enjoy Chicago. The first time I lived there I worked so much that I never felt at home. The same thing is happening now. I work there. I home in Milwaukee. Eh. It is what it is.
Time to put things in the car and drive back to the Second City.

Do Over

By now you've all probably stopped reading. I stopped posting, so I wouldn't be surprised. I have to tell you that I moved back to Chicago this week. On Monday. I live here during the week and I work at the place that I stopped working at when I decided I needed to see the world. They called me and asked me to come back. They asked very nicely and I thought, since I'm in the habit of giving people second chances, "why not"?

The thing is, I'm pretty sure I just re-lived my 20's in the space of 15 months (most of the action happening in the last three). I left home, traveled the world, came back home, waited tables, got a career-type job and moved to Chicago. Somewhere in there I rediscovered a love I thought I'd lost. Same love that loved me when I got the same job and left Milwaukee the first time. Now, I'm thinking to myself, usually when people get a chance to start over, they usually do something completely different. Not exactly the same thing they did the first time. There is also this concept that the definition of being crazy is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. Smoke on your pipe and put that in. So here's the thing: I expect that I will gain satisfaction from my job, that my love will love me and not leave me, and that somehow I'm still going to be able to design furniture. I'm pretty confident that all of these things are not only possible, but are actually going to happen. No seriously, it's weird. I feel good.

 Of course, there is also the idea of the "Do Over". When you are playing the game with all of your heart but you just do it wrong, try to fix it, do it wrong again, your pals are getting annoyed and then somebody yells "DO OVER!". Nobody's mad (except the one guy who really got it right this time) because everyone involved recognizes that the game just can't be recovered from there and mostly everyone would've liked to do a little better. There's laughter and the game resets and you start over. One more time, from the top. This time with feeling. Step, kick, kick, leap, kick, touch... again. And that connects with... walk, walk, walk.

So have I just gotten a full life do-over? Ha HA. That's pretty funny. But it's cool. I'm game. I'll check it out and see what I can do better this time. I'm not doing anything else. But that is what I always say. So maybe this time I AM doing THIS. Eh? Maybe that's the difference. Maybe this time I can make a commitment and commitments can be made to me. This time I will take the time to get it right. Now I will understand that others are trying to do right by me and I will give them the time to do that. Perhaps I will stop running away. I was so relieved to be able to run. I've been wanting to do that since February 9th, 1998. Everyone told me "Don't run. Stay here and deal with this." But I was running all the time anyway even if I didn't go anywhere.

I think I got it out of my system. I think I am ready to be good and work hard and try hard and dedicate myself to things. I am looking at larger goals than just where I can get to quickly (as long as it is not here, dontcha). How's that for a first round of world travel processing?

God, I hope I get it.

Moving In Different Ways

I made it all the way back to Milwaukee after having started out right here. I started out here in 2006, really. I left this place to make a better life for myself, to achieve greater career goals. I didn't think I would be back here ever again. And now I have a home here. Not an apartment. Not another temporary place to store my things and collect dust bunnies under the bed.

I wasn't sure I would make it back here when I set out on the first airplane to London. I had fears inside of me that one of the planes on my journey would be the one that doesn't make it off of or back onto the runway properly. I prayed every time up and every time down. With all of those ups and downs the same spot on the planet came back to rest under my feet. I didn't come back the way that I went, just kept going all the way around the world. I didn't come back the same person that went, but a slightly reconfigured and more confident one. I suspect it is called maturity. Worldly knowledge has been gained and the process of figuring out what to do with all this growth has begun.

I fear that I have stopped moving by returning here. Have I made such great strides forward to fall back to where I began? Or is it true that you have to make the journey to find out where you were was the best place to be? Either way, being back has filled me with mixed emotions and the tremendous task of doing what I said I was going to do. What I said I was going to do is acquire the skills I need to build furniture and to support my skill building with stable work in the service industry. And then eventually build the furniture and design the interiors full time and let the Directing of Happiness and Well-being be something more than making sure everyone on both sides of that delicious plate of food are happy. The goals are quite large but I think I remember reading somewhere that if you check in to see that in every day you are doing something to further your goal then you are on track.

So what did I do today? I spent a few hours working on designing a coffee table for the house. This is something that will be a collaboration between both members of this household and a test of future collaborations. Working out wood patterns and construction details along with personal desires and aesthetic preferences, communication styles and finding limits. And then I also baked a banana bread on the Presto Pizza Pizzazz. Because ultimately It Is Better When You Are Moving and therefore banana bread is better when it is baked on a moving disc. I have also proven that I really don't need anything in my kitchen besides a Pizzazz. This means that the sky is the limit. Or rather the pie pan is the limit. I will now commence attempting all baked dishes on the Pizzazz. Anything that fits in a 12" pie pan is fair game. Quiche is next, and after that... who knows.

For You, Ma

Packing

I have just a few more days left in India before I resume my journey around the world. I am a bit concerned that the amount of treasures I plan on bringing back to the states does not fit in my luggage. Gulp. I packed up a box of gifts to have shipped home and discovered that it will cost me 7,000 rupees (about 165 USD) to have it sent home. So.... now, this is a totally ridiculous sum of money in my estimation. I can't decide if I should try to cram everything into my suitcases and lug the heavy things the rest of the way home, risking airline weight limit violations, bag searches and spinal damage or if I should suck it up and spend the cash to mail the box and flit easily through the airports in the Middle East, Asia and San Francisco. Oh man oh man, I totally just want to put it on my credit card and ship the box but I am feeling super guilty about spending that kind of cash on sentimental trinkets when that sum is a third of a year of school for one of my new best pals here in India.GUILT.

Any suggestions? I mean, one doesn't go all the way around the world and not bring back some gifts for pals, and it is a tiny box only about 6kg, less than the weight limit for a carry-bag. Maybe I should go home and try repacking and see what happens.