By-E

Today is my last day in DF.

I returned after Thanksgiving to collect my leftover items and to spend the week with my dearest of pals from Portland OR who came for a visit and an art show. I have learned more in this week alone about living in Mexico City than any of the four or so months I lived here. I had to take a risk and see a part of the city that is deemed extremely dangerous and deal with my friends staying on the edge of this neighborhood. I had to feel the sickening fear of knowing that if anything happened it would probably be the last time I see them. Because now I know that there is nothing you can do if DF swallows you whole. The reality is clear. That said, the subway is awesome. It is totally clean, very fast, no bad smells and I didn't see a beggar, a busker or a drunk once. Did I mention very fast? And the flea market at Lagunillas is the best I have ever seen. Got some new glasses frames and a couple of fountain pens. GRIN.

So now, as I am on my way out the door, I finally feel free here, like I could really live here and get into it. But alas, this is not my final destination. I am on my way on a journey and I have much respect for the decisions I have made.

There are many things I need to work out and work on. There are details and decisions and deadlines all over the place. However, I am not afraid of it and I know I will need to do the very hard work incredibly soon. For now I am enjoying taking my time and keeping my eyes open. Sadness is included in this process. So many parts of this time in Mexico should have been done differently. Things were supposed to have worked out along the lines of "happily ever after" but they did not. Critical realities about ourselves and our lives were screamed about as well as talked over rationally. And in the end it is the potential that we will miss. I blame our overactive imaginations. Having the ability to imagine the future in great detail without checking to see if it is viable can lead to disastrous results. That said, there is still love, deep and powerful, but I fear unsustainable. The kind thing to do is allow the other to be free. Completely free. And we are free of many things we were not free of before we met. It was a liberating experience overall. It should be a happy one.

I am going to be in Chicago for a few days and then up to Milwaukee to work through the holidays. If any of you are around and would like to have some dinner, let me know.