Dear Agt. Triple L

Ok, ok... I understand now. I understand what it is like to go back to your home and all of your old friends and all the things you know like the back of your hand. It is so easy to become the old person, to slip back into the old habits and the easy easy way you used to do it. There was a point at which I started to panic, thinking that my newly grown self was going to go away. And while I hope that it really hasn't, that if I put my mind to it I can pick back up where I left off with the Spanish and the new city exploring, that new self has gone. Much of the work I did in Chicago to get myself on a regular schedule has also subsided. I no longer work out. I no longer eat properly if I eat at all. I drink too much beer and I have stopped going to church. Yet I feel like I am in a tractor beam of the past and I can't move my legs and, gosh, it is so easy to just go along with what the crew is doing. I don't even have a 9-5 job to keep me in line.

Here's the thing, though. I love my girlfriends who I have dearly missed. They are still doing wonderful and amazing things and I am a lucky woman to be in their presence again. Also, I am very very lucky to have a place to live and some work to work. I agonize over how random it is, but I am so grateful to have the opportunity to work. I have also found a place called home. It is where my heart is. I try not to let it blow my mind when I think about it but it still blows my mind anyway. So with all of these good things, what is my problem? I should be happier and more on top of my game than I have been in years, right? This should be the easiest most fulfilling life right here and now and yet I struggle with the new emotions and the old scene. I struggle with what I should be doing and what I actually am doing.

So I will remember how you did it, how you do it. I will make a goal and write it down. I will create a list of tasks needed to accomplish what I want to accomplish and I will make it happen. Your dedication and drive has taken you very far and I admire that. I just want to let you know that I am sorry for not giving you more understanding regarding spending time at home. I hope that you find yourself where you want to be again soon.

Sincerely,
SRP