Oh yes, back in Milwaukee. It turns out I am not the person I was when I left here. I am new. New-ish. Or bigger, more mature and more confident. There are parts of me that don't fit here anymore. There are things I do not wish to partake in and there are skills I have that I need to use before they atrophy. But here I am, cooling my heels, not being a real part of this, not accepting my role. Here I am waiting for something else to continue, not claiming ownership, not investing, not moving forward.
My trip to India has been postponed. The delay is due in part to a fund-raising event in Chicago, difficulties in communication and the way the world just doesn't always work the way you think it is going to. In addition to these things my sister is getting married the day before Easter and so I will stay here until then. I don't want to miss out on this gathering. And so it goes that I will now be spending Easter in Pittsburgh with my family instead of on the beach in Goa. And this rite of passage, this anniversary, this turning point I had set for myself, the day I was to return... is now the day I embark. So be it. But man am I feeling lost and tired of waiting. I am not moving here. Milwaukee is stasis. Milwaukee is beautiful. The frozen landscape is so rich and poignant against harsh winter sunlit skies. It is chalky and cream colored against a navy blue sea (Lake Michigan is definitely a sea) or it is dark and smoky against a choppy pale sea. I want to take photos of this place. But it doesn't move me. Milwaukee is home. I made it thus and it has been confirmed by others. Yet I long to move away and find something else. Wait! I did that already. Why am I back here again?
Oh yes. There is a reason.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I feel you. Its difficult to accept where you are without feeling like its permanent. Especially when its a place you couldn't wait to leave.
ReplyDeleteHowever, if you want to volunteer and create some positive change, you should do that here until you make your way to India. Even if its a small act and temporary. Don't let your location prevent you from acting on your goals.
so.....you are coming to Pittsburgh?
ReplyDeleteSo it’s hurry up and wait, is it? This is often the way of the world.
ReplyDeleteExtremely frustrating and obnoxious, especially when you’ve planned, and anticipated and built up a head of steam! But you will get there (or not). Maybe there’s another plan? Aunt B